Geek On The Mountain

Milenka is pregnant, and things are looking up for once. Naturally, I’ve never mentioned it before, but this has actually happened quite a few times in the past, but all cases ended fairly quickly in a miscarriage.

This time is quite a bit different though. That is to say, we’re further along now than we’ve ever been before. She’s had a couple of blood tests, and her hCG levels are increasing enough to indicate that things are progressing as they should. The levels are also far higher than anything we got before. We’re also chronologically further than other times as well. It all makes me think that maybe this time it will work out.

I’m an optimist, so I see things as going well. Being a pessimist, Milenka takes all of the normal pains that accompany early pregnancy and constantly thinks it’s over again. But then, historically, she has reason to be on edge about it. Still, I want to believe that the problem that we had so many other times was at some specific stage that we could never get past, and now that we’re beyond that we shouldn’t have so much to worry about.

The whole possibility of things ending again is scary though, of course. Uncertainty always is. Milenka tends to think I’m emotionally cold, and in a way, I am, but I also tend to feel things but not bother to express those feelings in any way. Every other time we’ve been in this situation, things have ended relatively quickly. I tend not to make too much an emotional investment because then it just ends up hurting all the more. I feel good about how things are going now, but I’m afraid to put too much into it. Furthermore, I’m not sure what a good time to feel safe about it is either. This is essentially the same as wondering at what point is it safe to not worry that it’s all going to end, which is a question that Milenka posed to me a few days ago. I didn’t have an answer and neither did she.